phone call to a friend

I went through his social media
archives the other night
I don’t know why I didn’t
think to do that before

I found a love for his wife
so seemingly profound 
I wondered how she found
it in her to leave—

except that I know
spectators also probably
think that of me…
I see so many similarities—

I also found her wearing
the same shirts he 
gave me, calling her
the name he calls me

that’s now tattooed 
on my arm because I fall 
too fast and trust too much 
and sometimes the mark is permanent

and then I was in bed
because it was the middle
of the night when I had finally
scrolled to the bottom

and I wanted to let out a scream 
while simultaneously
not wanting to move or look
at anything ever again

because how does 
this 
keep 
happening

I’m so good at fitting
in another’s life that
I forget it is not my own
and I don’t heed the signs, but I know

I don’t want recycled love
I don’t want to be 2.0
I don’t want to be someone’s pattern
that didn’t work before, I deserve more

but instead of shutting down 
I took what turned out to be
my last energy for him
and used it to build him future

in the form of a website
spent all day and another night 
staring at the screen delving deep
wanting what I felt to not be this reality

presented it to him at two am
and upon checking tracking found
he spent all of two minutes looking at it
and isn’t that a perfect symbol of this

just as my nightmare was, the one
where I woke up crying and couldn’t 
stop even when I knew I was awake
the one where 1.0 showed up 

in red lingerie and he couldn’t keep
his hands off of her and I stood in front 
of them asking how they could be screwing 
over someone so earnestly

trying to help them both, and I told them
to go fuck themselves and their future
which I immediately regretted
because I never actually feel that…

but I didn’t know what to feel
I don’t believe in being hurt
that’s a victim’s viewpoint
and I am no victim…

But I should have known
I should have known
just as when I saw him 
engaging with other women

just as when my gut 
asked why he chose me
and the answer turned out to be
I was the first to say a straight yes…

I know now that I can’t wait
to find out if it will all work out
to find out what he’s still lying about
there’s too much at stake…

So anyway, I guess 
what I’m saying is I need
a minute to survey the scene
the cracks that are now a part of me

to keep the faith and carry on
and somehow find the one
who won’t let my heart feel
it falls too fast and holds on too long.